The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize