I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
