if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
