he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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