It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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