I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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