I think im going to throw up on grandma
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
