The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
