We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
