I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
