I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
