Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
