a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
