i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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