rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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