i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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