I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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