Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
