i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I touched a dick in church today
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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