Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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