i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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