Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
