I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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