I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
