The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
