when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
