put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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