Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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