OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
