Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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