she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Randomize
