Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
