She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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