The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
