Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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