hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
