I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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