Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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