Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
