i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
i think my cat just said my name.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
