...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
