I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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