Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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