Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
