So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
