just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
