She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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