Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
