i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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