College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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