so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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