I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
