i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
