you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
