I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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