I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
