I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
