So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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