Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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