I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize