Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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