My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
